Day 32

It has been a long time since my last blog post and I daresay a lot has happened since then; To me, personally, if not to the world around me.  I don’t know how to condense everything that has taken place so I will try to explain them in connection to how I feel today.  Hopefully, this will also help me understand and again organize all my feelings. As I’ve said before, I apparently don’t do too well with sudden, extreme, or a successive barrage of overwhelming emotions.  Writing helps me stay sane and sometimes give me some insight or some clarity.

Today I feel somewhat like I did after my caesarian operations but more fragile because this is meant in an emotional and mental way.  When I gave birth to both my children, I anticipated the pain of after the surgery.  It was great but not unmanageable to be honest. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always had a high threshold for physical pain but I found I was able to move despite the pain. It wasn’t easy.  For anyone who has had an operation, you will know that movement can be done and is advised to hasten healing but moving is an exercise in slow and hesitant steps and movements.  But I was able to move and walk slowly on the 2^nd and 3^rd days after my operation.

How do I compare this to my emotional and mental state now? Well, I am now able to “move” and “walk” and “function” relatively well despite the pain that still remains.  My gift of a Hong Kong trip with my girlfriends really helped.  I was so amazed and so grateful for all that they gave me.  Imagine, I was able to travel to another country without paying for anything and not in debt. I was truly thankful for that and didn’t seek more than that blessing.  But I was blessed further when they even went so far as to buy lots of presents for my kids and additional birthday gifts for me!!  They are my kids’ god moms and that was the only reason that they gave that made me feel comfortable in receiving the presents and these made my kids so happy.  I was also able to get some space from all the sadness and hurt I was feeling in Manila and I was able to remember happier times and a happier, more confident me, a dozen years ago, my last time in Hong Kong.  I resolved when I left to make a bigger and more conscious effort to get better; to recognize the pain and the loss, to acknowledge my failure and my efforts, and then to let go, to heal, and to move on with whatever God has planned for me.  I prayed hard then for Him to take away all other avenues when it comes to my relationship with my husband except the one He means for me to be on, that I would listen and obey.  In essence, I came back to Manila refreshed and with a better, clearer purpose.

Since then I have been seeing His hand in all things, even the painful ones. I have felt a drawing away from me and I have felt certain doors close.  These have been very painful for me.  I had to take evenings off from talking to friends to process these moments.  I think I will really process these things this way. And I think it has taken me this long to blog about these things because something inside me felt that verbalizing it in any way made it real.  I have cried again buckets of tears.  But I have been able to get up, dust myself off, gingerly set aside my broken heart, and move forward. 

Slowly I have taken to resuming regular activities and starting new ones to make life better.  It has been said that happiness is a choice, so I have begun to choose happier things as much as I can.  Space that I think is God-given as well, has helped me catch a breath and rebuild some of my lost confidence.  I can now see and not just think that things will be ok.  Nuggets of this sight but, hey, baby steps are always better than no steps at all.

Fairly recently Manila was inundated with continues rain and wind and this caused major flooding in many parts of the Metro similar to what happened during Ondoy/Ketsana three years ago.  Here I was able to see so much of God’s hand and protection.  We had just moved into our smaller but 3^rd floor apartment 2 months ago. This came after several months of stressful negotiations and blind surging ahead to move out.  I was convinced early this year that I should take my kids and my mom to another unit, one that I thought was easier to manage space-wise and financially, and one that would keep us safe from any flooding, even if people were saying there would be no major flooding for at least another 10 years.  Well, I didn’t want to test those theories and I just basically wanted to manage my finances and keep my family safe.  So we were able to move and to a steal of an apartment, never lived in, 3 bedroom, rent was manageable, landlady so nice, separate gate from other tenants, and on the third floor! So, when the flood came last week (note, much sooner than the 10 years time frame) we were not reached at all.  The front of our building had shin length water but we were far from this.  Coincidentally, I had just replenished our bottled water (we usually stock 6 gallons of mineral water), I just bought a back-up tank of LPG, and I just did a semi-big grocery a day before the rains got heavy.  I say coincidentally because these were all unplanned and off schedule and I recall thinking to myself that I should’ve waited or staggered expenses more to have more cash on hand for a longer time.  As a result, we were fully stocked when the entrance to our village was flooded and for the three days we were not able to get out short of taking a boat.  To add to this, we did not lose power when our neighbors, and I mean literally houses a in the streets away from us, did!  Amazing!!  I do not mean in any way to gloat or belittle the suffering of others. Absolutely not.  But I was so thankful that all the unplanned and off schedule things that happened over the past 2-3 months placed us in a safe, warm, and stocked position when the crisis happened.  I had some loss.  My car, which is only 1.5 years old, was flooded half way. But even this loss had saving in it as well.  First off, what entered my car was flood water only.  To most, they would be gasping and saying “flood water only?!” but to those who lost vehicles during Ondoy/Ketasana, they would know that water is leagues better than liquid mud.  And my car had ‘acts of God’ insurance which essentially covers it from natural disasters, like this one.  When I spoke to the mechanic, he was confident in saying that the car could be completely repaired.  So I am still grateful and still so blessed.

What did all of these events do for me?  Well, it showed me God actively helping me through my pain and my heartache and hardship.  No, He isn’t doing it while I sit idly by, watching and expecting but not acting.  Instead, He helps me, moves me in the direction that is best for me, helps me wade through pain when there is pain, and difficulty when there is difficulty.  He is showing me that He truly provides.  It is not easy.  I am still breakable.  In fact, the glimpse of a picture sets me back emotionally so much.  But I know I can push through it. And I know that I must keep my eye fixed on Him despite the pain and that He will help me overcome.

Today I still have lots of problems; so many in fact that I don’t know quite how to deal with some of them.  I still have nights where I dream of my husband and wake up saddened that it was a mere dream.  There are still moments when my heart constricts and my stomach gets tight at the thought that my family is not whole.  But I know there are plans for the better that I may not see and reasons for everything.  My prayer at night now is one of thanks for all my blessings and my prayer in the morning is one of attention, that I may see and hear and obey.

___________________________________________________ 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.   II Cor 12:9

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.     Proverbs 3:5-6

        

Day 3

It is odd to be living with this feeling now.  I feel schizophrenic, like a true Gemini as some would say.  Sometimes I am ok, I think.  I can laugh at jokes, admire beautiful things, feel tension over other things in my life.  These times I think to myself that I have come a long way from who I was and how I would react to him five or so years ago.  At this time back then I would still be incapacitated. I am glad I am able to function again, faster, better than before.  I think to myself, I can do this.

Last night I went out with my girlfriends.  This doesn't happen often.  They are all married and most have children so it is tough to get everyone out at the same time sans husband and kids.  But we all agreed to get together over dinner and a movie just to hang out and act like girlfriends.  We watched 'Magic Mike', a fun stripper movie and it felt good to laugh out loud with abandon again.  I really thought I would not be able to do this for a while.  It was a good night.

I woke up this morning though and I felt heavy again.  I felt that growing familiar feeling of loss.  That feeling of being lost and that something is lost.  I squeeze my eyes shut and struggle to get the good feeling from the night before back.  I am able to find some balance and this helps me get up and start my day. And it is to be a busy day. Both my brothers and my sister in law have birthdays within a day or two of each other so this is always a period of stress. There is that familiar tug of wanting but being unable to be at more than one place at a time. Getting everyone where they needed to be was a good distraction to emotions and feelings.  I am finding that all these banal activities are helpful in moments of drowning; like buoys in water telling you where you are in a body of water, being something to lean on.  But after this I am left again with dealing, and like I said, I don't deal very well.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister in law the other day. It was about personalities and relationships and trials, being broken, being re-molded, and knowing God better. It gave me insight into how I can deal better. It was actually quite informative for me.  There was more than one eureka moment for me during that talk.  I realized that I need to feel secure and accepted in a relationship before I can let go of inhibitions and be myself.  I do not think I am too uptight to be a good friend. I am certain my close, good friends will tell you that I am a fun one to be around. But there is a reason I have a few close friends as opposed to a whole posse and that is that it takes a lot of security and acceptance given for me to trust that I can let go.  So to be able to do this, I need to feel secure and accepted. No matter what. That I can be silly, I can be x-rated, I can be "baduy" and "bakya", not know things, make mistakes and that I won't be liked or loved any less.  Being humiliated in any way goes against that acceptance and security and makes it so much harder for me to deal with situations and relax. Rejection kills my spirit.  Loss of love is like cancer to me. And I realized that I need to work on accepting and being secure in myself, with myself, so that I don't die a small death with every rejection, loss, or humiliation that comes my way.  And in those times of insecurity I need to remember that He loves me, flaws and all.

Earlier today I sat and thought about what went down during the talk.  I forced myself to relive what he told me. I forced myself to tell myself that he doesn't love me anymore, that he doesn't want to be with me, and by golly it hurt.  The feelings of rejection, loss, of the person I love not loving me flaws and all was almost too much to bear.  In fact, I had to lie down and close my eyes to regulate my breathing. I do this every now and then, remind myself of the reality even if it clenches my stomach and activated my tear ducts. Then I follow it up with a prayer and a plea to Him to help me accept, to help me see clearly still, to help me see the value in the pain, to help me keep from shattering further.  And this helps.  I've been doing this a lot too, every moment of stabbing, stomach-clenching pain that I feel. I pray, hard.

First Day in a New Birth Year

Happy Birthday to me!

I celebrated my 33rd birthday yesterday and it was an eye-opener for me on many different levels.  Let me list my realizations.  Disclaimer:  not all are happy and positive so for those who are expecting sweetness overdose, you'll get some sugar but some tamarind as well.  Ironically, I like those sweet/salty tamarind candies a lot, but I digress.

Realization # 1-  I am blessed greatly through my mom, kids, and friends.  A great number of people greeted me yesterday via SMS and through Facebook.  When I woke up, I had my excited 6 and 4 year olds greeting me, hugging me, giving me home-made greeting cards and wanting me to blow out birthday candles. My mom gave me a simple but heartfelt gift and a cute greeting card.  It showed how much they were thinking of me and how much they wanted that day, MY day, be special.  After that, all the other greetings were icing on the cake. Admittedly, there were a couple of greetings I hoped would be more (I tried to quash my expectations) but at the end of the day, I realized that those who love me, remembered, and thought about me, wished me well, and that was more than I could expect or ask for.

Realization # 2-  That I am a long way from achieving contentment.  I struggled at times during the day not to feel disappointment or to expect lavish gifts.  See, occasions have always been a big deal to me.  Birthdays, Anniversaries, Valentines, and Christmas were important occasions that could not be forgotten and I thought should be marked with a physical manifestation of how important the date, and I, am/was to a person/certain people.  This was my struggle with the couple of texts I mentioned earlier.

Realization # 3- That I need to pray more and to trust in Him more so that I may not feel alone or afraid over uncertainty.

Realization # 4-  That I am so much better today than I was on the same day one year ago.  So many things have happened over the course of 12 months that it is amazing to look at as a timeline.  Amazing to me.  I have been blessed with this knowledge and relationship that there is this loving and forgiving God who will never leave me, whom I can lean on and trust, and who has my best interest at heart always.  And because of this acceptance my life is brighter and filled with more hope than it has ever been, and this in spite of the same, persisting problems.  I don't know how to verbalize this well here except to say that I am blessed.

To end this post on a lighter note, I will include here a picture of a home-made cake.  I made my very first chocolate cake yesterday, mostly to please my kids, but I only took a picture on my cel phone and I don't know how to upload from it so....

..here is one that looks very similar to the one I made except mine was sans sprinkles.

I am blessed and I pray for the strength, focus, and discernment to live a life pleasing to the Lord, to make decisions and plans according to His will so that I may have the overflow of a fruitful life.



xoxo,
Vicki

Just a Day Away

Hmm...it seems odd to be writing this post about what I am hoping for the next year. I feel a strange sense of deja vu. I remember writing a post like this almost three years ago when I first started to blog. I have to say, I really got what I listed there, although not in the form I was expecting. Which adds to my nerves as I write this, to be honest. But I know that He just stripped me of my false idols to help me see the important things and to help me on my journey of contentment. Three years down the road and I am still learning this lesson but I think I am doing better today that this same day last year.

So, what is it I pray for this coming year of 33? Good question. Let me list in as clear a manner as I possibly can.

Tangible Stuff:

1. To settle into our new place and have that be a home of happiness and growth. The last 14 months have been very trying and I an hoping that I can put these behind me and create a smoother path for myself and my kids.

2. To have the kids's tuition and all school-related requirments throughout the year be covered so I don't have to think about this until next school year.

3. For my kids to adjust to their new levels in school, their new home, well.

4. To find and start a job that will be rewarding both for career and for myself, personally.

5. To have viable savings at the end of the year.

Intangibles:

1. With all listed above, I also want to learn to be content. I do not crave for very expensive things or fantabulous trips- although if blessed, these would be great. I want to always be able to look at what I have and feel blessed and to be able to thank the Lord for even those things that I don't have.

2. I want to be able to read the Bible and understand it completely.

3. I want to further my relationship with the Lord so that I can teach my kids how to have an intimate one with Him as well.

Looking at these points it seems the intangibles are actually harder to achieve than the tangibles. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful for both.

Advanced Happy Birthday to me!

xoxo, Vicki

__________________________________

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."