Day 6

Amazing.  That is all I can say to describe my God.  He never fails to remind me that he is there for me, no matter what. I missed Sunday service and I was really bummed about this.  I take a lot of strength from these days. They are like my weekly water supply.  I do my best to keep the jug full by listening to podcasts on the site and by doing my own reading of the Bible and reflection but I really always find that these Sunday services help fill my soul with strength, clarity, and more faith.  As soon as I was able to listen to the past Sunday service, I did. And I was truly blessed.  Allow me to note some things I picked up and was able to relate to my here and now.

“Bring your problems to the Lord.”

“In the midst of trials, can you depend on the Lord?”

“Do not allow people or circumstances to rob you of your joy.  Joy is not the absence of problems but rather the presence of God.”

These three points I found were so apt. This is what the few friends who know my pain have been telling me. But I have found this idea somewhat separate, difficult to comprehend somehow.  I don’t know why since I pray all the time, in fact, even more now.  I would talk to the Lord and tell Him all about what happened, as if he didn’t know. I would tell him what I thought, how I felt, my dashed hopes and dreams, as if he didn’t know. So technically, I was already bringing my problems to the Lord. But could I depend on him in these times? Did I feel that He was there for me in a way that could help me, really help me?  I listened and thought about the last statement I wrote and wondered if I could make it so. I felt so much pain, hardly any joy. But I also directed this pain to God and asked him to help me.  I was talking to him but I didn’t feel joy.  Was this possible? Was I doing something wrong?

“How you think is important.”

“Behind your actions, behind your choices is your perspective in life.”

“Emptiness and loneliness is experienced as a reminder to go to the lord and remember his love and security.”

I am always told to be aware of my perspective.  Years ago I was described as a “jaded” person; Quite negative actually.  I think this caused a lot of strain on my marriage as well.  I do not remember how it started but I do know that I was angry and sad and negative about everyone and everything for a long time.  I know, realistically, that I did not imagine some of the circumstances that contributed to this but this doesn’t matter. It was only when my dad was dying and when I started to have a real relationship with the Lord that I was able to let go of a lot of my negativity and start to look at things from a more positive point of view.  These days, the old ‘me’ struggles a lot with the ‘me’ today. I have to fight down the self-recrimination.  I sometimes find myself saying “how silly of you to think that it could be different.”  And “what made you believe it could be better?  Why did you open yourself up to this? Weren’t you aware, wasn’t it clear to you that this was setting yourself up for devastation?  Didn’t you work so hard to pull yourself out of the hell-hole you were in when he first threw you away to willingly put yourself at the edge of falling all the way back into that hell-hole again? Why?” To be honest, it is a real struggle. What I do when I get these thoughts, is I shut my eyes and talk to God.  I ask him if I did something wrong, if I over-read what I thought He wanted me to do in the way of the course of my decisions. And I tell myself that He knows what He is doing and that I have to be strong, and patient, and look for the value in it all.  It is also in these moments of struggle that I feel the most alone and the emptiest.  I feel the loss and the pain the most. The last statement about these times being a reminder to go back to Him for security and love is true, and is something I realize again I have been doing, even if this was not my intention.  With this thought, I am comforted.  Yes, I do have a real relationship.  I know this because when I have problems now, when I don’t understand, I ask Him first.

“Even the best spouse, money,  cannot satisfy the vacuum of the soul. So we fill our lives with a lot of junk..sex, pornography.”

“Problems-substitute gods? “

These last two statements really made me think hard.  I would often ask myself why I had these seemingly same problems again and again. What is it that I am not learning that is making Him teach me over and over again?  It was only yesterday that it occurred to me. Maybe the root of my problems now have been those things I have been leaning on completely all these years, those things I have been dependent on, fully expecting to provide me with the joy I have been seeking for so long.  But because they are things, they always fall short.  Money, a husband’s love, these aren’t bad things to want, and I still want them. But I think the Lord is trying to teach me that these are not the source of joy but merely ways to enjoy an already joyful life.  I am getting a clearer picture of this now through something that happened to me this morning. 

My girlfriends have been planning an out of town trip for half a year now.  They made all the arrangements, went out of their way to help me so that I could join even if I was not and am not financially capable of making any kind of trip now.  This date is fast approaching.  Yesterday, upon looking at my finances, I decided that I would back out.  I told myself, Vicki, I know you have been dying to go out of town for a decade (and this is not an exaggeration).  I know you have pined for days every time your husband goes out of town, your heart wishing to be with him.  I know you really want it but it is not the responsible or correct thing to do given the finances. I decided, I will follow and live within my means.  So I discussed this with my best friend late last night and I prepared what I would tell my girlfriends the next day, today.  This morning, I was with my best friend as I usually am on Tuesdays as my car cannot go on the road for the whole day, and I was telling her that I had made my decision. She then tells me that my girlfriends had decided last night to chip in for all my extra expenses so I would not have to pay for anything and that this is not a loan but an early Christmas gift.  So much was the desire to have me around that they went out of their way, again, to make it possible for me. Such blessings, such love, such proof that He knows what He is doing as long as you know the right thing to do and are ready and willing to do the right thing.  Amazing.  I connect this to my life and situation now and I have a clearer idea about where I should go, what I should do, who I should be, and how I should act/react.  I blogged earlier that I need to love myself and teach myself that there is someone who loves me completely, accepts me completely, supports me completely, so I can be strong in the knowledge that I am not alone.  I know I need to work on strengthening my relationship with God and learning to love his gift to me- my life.

Yes, I love my husband.  Yes, there is pain.  Yes, I still wake up and think of him and still feel my stomach-clench.  Yes, I still go to sleep with yearning for him. Yes, I still pray for restoration in spite of it all, even if this causes me more pain because he does not seem to want it too.  Yes, I have moments where I am a pathetic literary character.  Yes, I have moments when I am angry that he cannot be with me, take care of me, love me.  But I talk to God through this all and pray to him to teach me the right way, His way, to trust that He knows what He is doing despite my pain, and to be secure and safe in this acceptance and love.

“To be joyful or not to be joyful is an act of faith.”

Psalm 16:7-11

7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10because you will not abandon me to the grave,^c

nor will you let your Holy One^d see decay.

11You have made^e known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Day 2

I am a lover of stories. Maybe this is why I studied history and literature and sociology so feverishly in my university days.  I just could not get enough of the characters. I could almost feel what they were feeling, see what they saw. Sometimes, and this still happens today, I imagine that I am in those worlds and it is spectacular.  There are some characters in books I’ve read lately though that I do not admire at all.  These are Isabella Swan and Anastasia Steele from the Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey books.  Why don’t I like them? Well, I have always said that they seemed mindless to me. Their only reason for existence was the men they loved. The moment they saw and fell they were forever lost to reason.  How simpering is that?  How weak, how dependent. I would have very choice things to say about these two women to anyone who would ask me. How ironic life is.

I got up this morning, as I do every weekday morning, to bring my son to school.  I chatted with him about his lessons and classes. The drive was good, no traffic to speak off as it was slightly earlier than normal. And because it was 4 hours before the start of my work day, I went home. But I’ve been going home every day this week, after dropping my son off, instead of going straight to the office.  I notice this as I pull up and park in front of my apartment building.  Why, I think to myself, when I had such logical and practical reasons for going to work straight from dropping my son off.

I go up to my unit, greet my daughter who was up eating breakfast, tickle her and smother her with hugs and kisses, sit with her a bit, then retire to my room. And I lie down, and I close my eyes, and I feel a moment where there is no nothingness.  So I nap.  My mom enters my unit, I can hear her from my room, so I decide to join her.  I don’t really want to eat anything so I sip on my coffee and eat the tiny sausages my maid prepares for us both.  Then when we finish breakfast, I play with my daughter, read her a short story, and when she goes to her room to play, I lie down. Again.  I do this for 1.5 hours, flitting in and out of sleep.  Then I force myself to get up because I really don’t want to. I want to stay curled up like that. I want to disappear.  I tell myself, get up, get dressed, go to work, do something, move. Don’t be like those simpering women who cannot eat or sleep or live.  So I do. I get up, get dressed, give instructions for the rest of the meals for the day, go through the motions, kiss and hug my daughter and tell her I will see her later. I drive to work and sit down. I tell myself I will not be pathetic.  So I fix myself, put lip gloss, make sure I look presentable. Then, I try to start working.

Then he texts and asks me to call. We talk about the kids and some arrangements for tomorrow, their weekly visit.  And then at the end of the call I am back to square one. I am fighting back the tears. I have lost the process flow I was working on. My hands are cold and my stomach empty.  I am Isabella and Anastasia and pathetic Vicki all in one.  I know it in my mind but I cannot seem to fight it.  The same moment I get that thought, that I am pathetic, that he was fine on the phone, that he didn’t want me, all I want to do is curl up into a ball again and disappear.  So I write instead to try to fight off the urge to flee, to go home.

Lord, when will this end?  How will it end?  How do I make the pathetic-ness stop?  How do I deal with being set aside?  How do I deal with these feelings? What should I do?  I can’t think well, I can’t think straight. Please help me.

Day 1 Part 2

What would I tell him if I felt he wanted to hear truths from me? What haven't I told him. Ok, here goes:

I would tell him that I love him so much. That he haunts my days and nights.  I would tell him that he is like the shadows, always there, something I cannot separate.  I would tell him that I miss him, that I still reach out for him at night. I would tell him that the only moments of peace I had when my dad died where when I was with him. I would tell him that I understand his fear, that I share that, but that I want to try in spite of this. I would tell him I'm sorry for my part in the hurt. I would tell him I pray for my husband, lover, and friend back, the father of my children.

So much...

Desires

I feel lately that I have very few avenues to say what I feel about my love life (or the mess of a love life that it is at the moment).  Partly because sometimes I feel that maybe I shouldn't feel what I feel or that I shouldn't say what I feel because saying it out loud somehow will make it harder to get over (should getting over be required later on).

But today, I just dropped off my son in school, his first day in 1st grade and so I am feeling emotionally raw. Add to that 4.5 hours of sleep only and a whole lot of anxiety soo...here is my venting to the cyber universe.

I still love the husband.  It's very hard to keep calm as I say/write this because I feel "all over the place" when I think of this realization.

I pray hard every night for some kind of resolution.

I do not know how He will restore my marriage given the history and the situation right now. We are on good terms, much better than we have been on more levels than just being a married couple, than we have in a long time.  But there are other realities like the long separation, the court case, the continued building of routines in separation that make restoration seem like an impossibility.

I have faith that He will take care of me.

"For nothing is impossible with God"  Luke 1:37

It feels good to vent.

xoxo,
Vicki