Resolution #1 for 2013

I used to write a list of things that I wanted to do or make happen in the coming year but I think I skipped doing this last year. And the year before, I think. Well, I am in a good mood today. I’m feeling quite positive and hopeful about the coming year.  There is no explanation for this as nothing new has happened.  I just woke up this morning and said to myself, life is short and I am tired of going through each day angry or sad or just exhausted.  I want to enjoy my days too.  So I am making that choice and making the effort to be positive.  They say it is a decision to be happy and this sometimes requires some effort. I figure, if I am going to put effort into anything, it might as well be to be happy; whatever the circumstance and the reason.

And in line with that, I also want to start to be more conscious of the footprint I leave on our planet.  I don’t know. Maybe it is from reading all these articles from folks I have come to admire, at the very least, for the tenacity with which they push their causes.  Regardless, I believe it is important to do the right thing for our planet whether or not someone says so. 

I did some research into ways to be more Eco friendly. I was kind of apprehensive because I was thinking this might be hard to do. Living in a “third world” country and being a single mom to two kids, budget and ease are two words that I look for a lot.    I looked at a post from Simple Mom and I was pleasantly surprised.  She posted about 40 tips to going greener at home aside from recycling and I was pleasantly surprised at what were on her list.  Let me discuss 10 points in this post.  I don’t think I can/will apply all 40 so let’s see how far we go. These 10 are certainly easy.

1.       Stop using disposable bags- done!  To add to this I think we should bring as many as we need per grocery trip to forego using brown paper bags and boxes. 'Coz these come from trees too.

2.       Buy an inexpensive reusable water bottle- done!  In fact, I use a dispenser (non-electric) and the bottles are replaced as they are emptied so no throwing.

3.       Wash laundry in cold water instead of hot- done!  Manual laundry saves on electricity and if you manage your wash schedule well you can save on water and soap too.

4.       Turn off lights when you leave the room- done!  Thought this was common sense though.

5.       Don’t turn on the lights for as long as you can. Enjoy natural light.- done!  This too.

6.       Turn off your computer completely at night.- done!  And this.

7.       Pay your bills online- Now this I haven’t done.  I am a bit wary actually.  I am afraid of online fraud, identity theft, hacking, etc. I know, I know. I am not a celebrity, neither am I rich enough to warrant any special attention. Still…can someone assure me that this is really safe?

8.       Reuse your scrap paper- done! 

9.       Do an energy audit of your home- hmm…how do you do this?  I would love to know how so I can do it.

10.   Buy energy saving appliances- well, mine were bought some time ago and, while I know that these should replaced after a certain number of years, I am not there yet.  I think one of my air conditioners is energy efficient already though. And my refrigerator.  Since I do not use a microwave, toaster, coffee brewer, water heater, and I use the air con very, very sparingly, I think I am still ok.  But, I have to look into this over the next year so I can save for an eventual revamp.

All in all I think this is a very easy list of ways to be kinder to our planet.  I am also pleased that I have already been doing these…so it turns out I haven’t been too irresponsible after all!  Happiness.

I will post about other “going green” suggestions tomorrow.  And, of course, other resolutions for 2013. To quote an individual I admire, “let us be the change we want to see in the world.”

_____________________________

1 Chronicles 29: 13-15

13“O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name! 14But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us! 15We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace. 

The Heart and the Mind

I was so near the pit of despair the other day. I so badly needed a pick-me-up.  And since music is once again dominating my life, I decided to go back to some of the livelier days of my late teens to early adult years, or at least the music I listened to back then.  I decided this because I remember that a great part of those years was filled with confidence and no fear that I could not conquer the world. I haven’t really listened to house music in a while and this is probably because the club scheme here in Manila is so different from what it is in the UK which I loved to bits.  Decided to jump on the bandwagon and listen to David Guetta, also because I like the tune of one of his hits “Titanium”.  Lo and behold when I Googled the lyrics- why, they were quite apt.

Here they are:

You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud, not saying much
I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet
you shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud, not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away

you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium

I am titanium

I am titanium

Stone hard, machine gun
Fired at the ones who run
Stone hard, as bulletproof glass

You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium

I am titanium

So, this started me down a path of pure house music and I found my mood responding to the point where I really wanted to get up and dance.

I was on a ‘house music high’ for a while. Actually up until around 30 minutes ago.  Then I had a short conversation that blew my mood completely.  Amazing (sarcastic).  A few minutes could change what took two days to get going.  It showed me two things: that my mind can really do so much, and that my heart is a traitor.  And so I need to fortify my heart, teach it to see better, stay out of decisions, and to listen to its good friend, my mind.

I Am Baffled.

Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I don’t know when this started but it’s always been the case.  The past three Christmases though have been tough.  I’ve noticed that in some way there have been tears and this makes me sad.

This year I feel the “jot of the season” a lot less than ever and it is not because of anything specific.  I mean, things are pretty much the same in my life. Still have some problems that need to be resolved but I also have a lot to be grateful for.  I love my kids, they are healthy and happy.  I love where we live now. Although it is not as posh as my goal place to live is, it is the one floor apartment unit I had been hoping to find and be able to afford.  My kids each have their own room and this is great for their development and sense of independence.  My place is private, quiet, and elevated which is great for flood avoidance.

But I’ve been waking up for the past couple of weeks this heavy feeling of sadness I cannot explain.  I can’t explain it because there is no direct reason, nothing new or outstanding, to create a new feeling of depression.  But it is there.  I’ve tried to ignore it but I’ve found this is not the best course of action.  Then I’ve tried to rationalize it but I end up with lots of “I don’t know’s” which isn’t helpful either.  Then I’ve tried to cry it out but I wake up feeling the same and realizing one thing and that is that contrary to a lot of other things, tears seem to never run out.  Talking about it helps. As I’ve said many times before, I don’t process big emotions very well so talking helps me break it up into bits and pieces.  But I don’t want to burden my friends with all of what I am feeling now.

It has been said that vibes are infectious.  If you are a happy and positive person, people pick up on that. Similarly, if you are negative you tend to drag people down with you or Zap their energy; which is why no one wants to hang around a negative person, coz this person can be a real wet blanket.  It is that reason I now refrain from sharing what I am feeling with my friends.  I don’t want anyone to be dragged down, and also I don’t want people to think upon seeing me “oh no, there’s our friend who is always sad. What  a drag.”  So I’ve decided to write it down in the hope that it will help.

And now that I am writing, I cant seem to come up with too many words.  I know I am sad.  I don’t know why.  I feel the urge to cry over everything. I mean, everything.  I am not in any mood to eat.  I don’t really want to do much of everything.  It is sheer necessity that forces me out of bed everyday to go to work.  If I could stay home and lie down, I would but I don’t want to do that either coz it isn’t good for my kids.  I recall feeling like this when the relizaton that my marriage was really over finally hit, but nothing like that has happened to me lately.  I am truly at a loss. And I don’t know how to deal with it.  Music has always soothed me somehow but the songs I can identify with now are all about heartbreak and heartache and, while I acknowledge that my heart isn’t whole yet, it isn’t freshly broken.  So I don’t get it. 

Here are two songs that send me to fits of crying lately.  They are quite positive so I don’t get why they make me cry so much.

“Kiss Me”  by Ed Sheeran

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me
Hold me in your arms

Your heart's against my chest
Lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet

And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady

I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as, the wind blows
So hold me in your arms [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/ed+sheeran/kiss+me_20983414.html ]
My heart's against your chest
Your lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet

And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

Yeah I've been feeling everything
From hate to love
From love to lust
From lust to truth
I guess that's how I know you

So hold you close
To help you give it up

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

"Begin Again" by Taylor Swift

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turned the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

He said he never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I won't talk about that
And for the first time, what's past is past

Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

Song of the Day #1

In keeping with my love for music and my belief that there is a song or more than a song to describe exactly what you are feeling and where you are in life, here is my first SOTD (Song of the Day):

In Repair (John Mayer)

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh, yeah I'm never really ready, Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

There's more to come!

Day 69. Closing Time.

Ok, it's been 69 days since Day 1 of my heartbreak.  I thank God for giving me more strength than I thought I had to be able to move forward, despite the pain and difficulty, despite the tears and broken dreams.  Maybe this is really making me stronger after all. I do not want to test that hypothesis any further though.

So I've decided that today is the last day of this countdown.  I've decided that my posts moving forward, and I will post more, will be on other aspects of my life, on topics that generate more happiness from me, on moments of sadness still but also hopefully mixed with ways of getting over it.  I read my old blog, the second one I tried to maintain.  I started this in 2010 and kept it for a year.  I looked over some old posts and again marveled at how different and the same I am compared to who I was back then.  Amazing.  These blogs are what my childhood diaries were.  I love it.  And another thing I love was that I blogged about so much more than what I have been blogging about here and so I resolve to do that again.  It seems to me like getting back some of who I was and incorporating the new parts of me now. 

Ever a work in progress, indeed.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Day 32

It has been a long time since my last blog post and I daresay a lot has happened since then; To me, personally, if not to the world around me.  I don’t know how to condense everything that has taken place so I will try to explain them in connection to how I feel today.  Hopefully, this will also help me understand and again organize all my feelings. As I’ve said before, I apparently don’t do too well with sudden, extreme, or a successive barrage of overwhelming emotions.  Writing helps me stay sane and sometimes give me some insight or some clarity.

Today I feel somewhat like I did after my caesarian operations but more fragile because this is meant in an emotional and mental way.  When I gave birth to both my children, I anticipated the pain of after the surgery.  It was great but not unmanageable to be honest. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always had a high threshold for physical pain but I found I was able to move despite the pain. It wasn’t easy.  For anyone who has had an operation, you will know that movement can be done and is advised to hasten healing but moving is an exercise in slow and hesitant steps and movements.  But I was able to move and walk slowly on the 2^nd and 3^rd days after my operation.

How do I compare this to my emotional and mental state now? Well, I am now able to “move” and “walk” and “function” relatively well despite the pain that still remains.  My gift of a Hong Kong trip with my girlfriends really helped.  I was so amazed and so grateful for all that they gave me.  Imagine, I was able to travel to another country without paying for anything and not in debt. I was truly thankful for that and didn’t seek more than that blessing.  But I was blessed further when they even went so far as to buy lots of presents for my kids and additional birthday gifts for me!!  They are my kids’ god moms and that was the only reason that they gave that made me feel comfortable in receiving the presents and these made my kids so happy.  I was also able to get some space from all the sadness and hurt I was feeling in Manila and I was able to remember happier times and a happier, more confident me, a dozen years ago, my last time in Hong Kong.  I resolved when I left to make a bigger and more conscious effort to get better; to recognize the pain and the loss, to acknowledge my failure and my efforts, and then to let go, to heal, and to move on with whatever God has planned for me.  I prayed hard then for Him to take away all other avenues when it comes to my relationship with my husband except the one He means for me to be on, that I would listen and obey.  In essence, I came back to Manila refreshed and with a better, clearer purpose.

Since then I have been seeing His hand in all things, even the painful ones. I have felt a drawing away from me and I have felt certain doors close.  These have been very painful for me.  I had to take evenings off from talking to friends to process these moments.  I think I will really process these things this way. And I think it has taken me this long to blog about these things because something inside me felt that verbalizing it in any way made it real.  I have cried again buckets of tears.  But I have been able to get up, dust myself off, gingerly set aside my broken heart, and move forward. 

Slowly I have taken to resuming regular activities and starting new ones to make life better.  It has been said that happiness is a choice, so I have begun to choose happier things as much as I can.  Space that I think is God-given as well, has helped me catch a breath and rebuild some of my lost confidence.  I can now see and not just think that things will be ok.  Nuggets of this sight but, hey, baby steps are always better than no steps at all.

Fairly recently Manila was inundated with continues rain and wind and this caused major flooding in many parts of the Metro similar to what happened during Ondoy/Ketsana three years ago.  Here I was able to see so much of God’s hand and protection.  We had just moved into our smaller but 3^rd floor apartment 2 months ago. This came after several months of stressful negotiations and blind surging ahead to move out.  I was convinced early this year that I should take my kids and my mom to another unit, one that I thought was easier to manage space-wise and financially, and one that would keep us safe from any flooding, even if people were saying there would be no major flooding for at least another 10 years.  Well, I didn’t want to test those theories and I just basically wanted to manage my finances and keep my family safe.  So we were able to move and to a steal of an apartment, never lived in, 3 bedroom, rent was manageable, landlady so nice, separate gate from other tenants, and on the third floor! So, when the flood came last week (note, much sooner than the 10 years time frame) we were not reached at all.  The front of our building had shin length water but we were far from this.  Coincidentally, I had just replenished our bottled water (we usually stock 6 gallons of mineral water), I just bought a back-up tank of LPG, and I just did a semi-big grocery a day before the rains got heavy.  I say coincidentally because these were all unplanned and off schedule and I recall thinking to myself that I should’ve waited or staggered expenses more to have more cash on hand for a longer time.  As a result, we were fully stocked when the entrance to our village was flooded and for the three days we were not able to get out short of taking a boat.  To add to this, we did not lose power when our neighbors, and I mean literally houses a in the streets away from us, did!  Amazing!!  I do not mean in any way to gloat or belittle the suffering of others. Absolutely not.  But I was so thankful that all the unplanned and off schedule things that happened over the past 2-3 months placed us in a safe, warm, and stocked position when the crisis happened.  I had some loss.  My car, which is only 1.5 years old, was flooded half way. But even this loss had saving in it as well.  First off, what entered my car was flood water only.  To most, they would be gasping and saying “flood water only?!” but to those who lost vehicles during Ondoy/Ketasana, they would know that water is leagues better than liquid mud.  And my car had ‘acts of God’ insurance which essentially covers it from natural disasters, like this one.  When I spoke to the mechanic, he was confident in saying that the car could be completely repaired.  So I am still grateful and still so blessed.

What did all of these events do for me?  Well, it showed me God actively helping me through my pain and my heartache and hardship.  No, He isn’t doing it while I sit idly by, watching and expecting but not acting.  Instead, He helps me, moves me in the direction that is best for me, helps me wade through pain when there is pain, and difficulty when there is difficulty.  He is showing me that He truly provides.  It is not easy.  I am still breakable.  In fact, the glimpse of a picture sets me back emotionally so much.  But I know I can push through it. And I know that I must keep my eye fixed on Him despite the pain and that He will help me overcome.

Today I still have lots of problems; so many in fact that I don’t know quite how to deal with some of them.  I still have nights where I dream of my husband and wake up saddened that it was a mere dream.  There are still moments when my heart constricts and my stomach gets tight at the thought that my family is not whole.  But I know there are plans for the better that I may not see and reasons for everything.  My prayer at night now is one of thanks for all my blessings and my prayer in the morning is one of attention, that I may see and hear and obey.

___________________________________________________ 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.   II Cor 12:9

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.     Proverbs 3:5-6

        

Day 6

Amazing.  That is all I can say to describe my God.  He never fails to remind me that he is there for me, no matter what. I missed Sunday service and I was really bummed about this.  I take a lot of strength from these days. They are like my weekly water supply.  I do my best to keep the jug full by listening to podcasts on the site and by doing my own reading of the Bible and reflection but I really always find that these Sunday services help fill my soul with strength, clarity, and more faith.  As soon as I was able to listen to the past Sunday service, I did. And I was truly blessed.  Allow me to note some things I picked up and was able to relate to my here and now.

“Bring your problems to the Lord.”

“In the midst of trials, can you depend on the Lord?”

“Do not allow people or circumstances to rob you of your joy.  Joy is not the absence of problems but rather the presence of God.”

These three points I found were so apt. This is what the few friends who know my pain have been telling me. But I have found this idea somewhat separate, difficult to comprehend somehow.  I don’t know why since I pray all the time, in fact, even more now.  I would talk to the Lord and tell Him all about what happened, as if he didn’t know. I would tell him what I thought, how I felt, my dashed hopes and dreams, as if he didn’t know. So technically, I was already bringing my problems to the Lord. But could I depend on him in these times? Did I feel that He was there for me in a way that could help me, really help me?  I listened and thought about the last statement I wrote and wondered if I could make it so. I felt so much pain, hardly any joy. But I also directed this pain to God and asked him to help me.  I was talking to him but I didn’t feel joy.  Was this possible? Was I doing something wrong?

“How you think is important.”

“Behind your actions, behind your choices is your perspective in life.”

“Emptiness and loneliness is experienced as a reminder to go to the lord and remember his love and security.”

I am always told to be aware of my perspective.  Years ago I was described as a “jaded” person; Quite negative actually.  I think this caused a lot of strain on my marriage as well.  I do not remember how it started but I do know that I was angry and sad and negative about everyone and everything for a long time.  I know, realistically, that I did not imagine some of the circumstances that contributed to this but this doesn’t matter. It was only when my dad was dying and when I started to have a real relationship with the Lord that I was able to let go of a lot of my negativity and start to look at things from a more positive point of view.  These days, the old ‘me’ struggles a lot with the ‘me’ today. I have to fight down the self-recrimination.  I sometimes find myself saying “how silly of you to think that it could be different.”  And “what made you believe it could be better?  Why did you open yourself up to this? Weren’t you aware, wasn’t it clear to you that this was setting yourself up for devastation?  Didn’t you work so hard to pull yourself out of the hell-hole you were in when he first threw you away to willingly put yourself at the edge of falling all the way back into that hell-hole again? Why?” To be honest, it is a real struggle. What I do when I get these thoughts, is I shut my eyes and talk to God.  I ask him if I did something wrong, if I over-read what I thought He wanted me to do in the way of the course of my decisions. And I tell myself that He knows what He is doing and that I have to be strong, and patient, and look for the value in it all.  It is also in these moments of struggle that I feel the most alone and the emptiest.  I feel the loss and the pain the most. The last statement about these times being a reminder to go back to Him for security and love is true, and is something I realize again I have been doing, even if this was not my intention.  With this thought, I am comforted.  Yes, I do have a real relationship.  I know this because when I have problems now, when I don’t understand, I ask Him first.

“Even the best spouse, money,  cannot satisfy the vacuum of the soul. So we fill our lives with a lot of junk..sex, pornography.”

“Problems-substitute gods? “

These last two statements really made me think hard.  I would often ask myself why I had these seemingly same problems again and again. What is it that I am not learning that is making Him teach me over and over again?  It was only yesterday that it occurred to me. Maybe the root of my problems now have been those things I have been leaning on completely all these years, those things I have been dependent on, fully expecting to provide me with the joy I have been seeking for so long.  But because they are things, they always fall short.  Money, a husband’s love, these aren’t bad things to want, and I still want them. But I think the Lord is trying to teach me that these are not the source of joy but merely ways to enjoy an already joyful life.  I am getting a clearer picture of this now through something that happened to me this morning. 

My girlfriends have been planning an out of town trip for half a year now.  They made all the arrangements, went out of their way to help me so that I could join even if I was not and am not financially capable of making any kind of trip now.  This date is fast approaching.  Yesterday, upon looking at my finances, I decided that I would back out.  I told myself, Vicki, I know you have been dying to go out of town for a decade (and this is not an exaggeration).  I know you have pined for days every time your husband goes out of town, your heart wishing to be with him.  I know you really want it but it is not the responsible or correct thing to do given the finances. I decided, I will follow and live within my means.  So I discussed this with my best friend late last night and I prepared what I would tell my girlfriends the next day, today.  This morning, I was with my best friend as I usually am on Tuesdays as my car cannot go on the road for the whole day, and I was telling her that I had made my decision. She then tells me that my girlfriends had decided last night to chip in for all my extra expenses so I would not have to pay for anything and that this is not a loan but an early Christmas gift.  So much was the desire to have me around that they went out of their way, again, to make it possible for me. Such blessings, such love, such proof that He knows what He is doing as long as you know the right thing to do and are ready and willing to do the right thing.  Amazing.  I connect this to my life and situation now and I have a clearer idea about where I should go, what I should do, who I should be, and how I should act/react.  I blogged earlier that I need to love myself and teach myself that there is someone who loves me completely, accepts me completely, supports me completely, so I can be strong in the knowledge that I am not alone.  I know I need to work on strengthening my relationship with God and learning to love his gift to me- my life.

Yes, I love my husband.  Yes, there is pain.  Yes, I still wake up and think of him and still feel my stomach-clench.  Yes, I still go to sleep with yearning for him. Yes, I still pray for restoration in spite of it all, even if this causes me more pain because he does not seem to want it too.  Yes, I have moments where I am a pathetic literary character.  Yes, I have moments when I am angry that he cannot be with me, take care of me, love me.  But I talk to God through this all and pray to him to teach me the right way, His way, to trust that He knows what He is doing despite my pain, and to be secure and safe in this acceptance and love.

“To be joyful or not to be joyful is an act of faith.”

Psalm 16:7-11

7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10because you will not abandon me to the grave,^c

nor will you let your Holy One^d see decay.

11You have made^e known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.