It has been a long time since my last blog post and I daresay a lot has happened since then; To me, personally, if not to the world around me. I don’t know how to condense everything that has taken place so I will try to explain them in connection to how I feel today. Hopefully, this will also help me understand and again organize all my feelings. As I’ve said before, I apparently don’t do too well with sudden, extreme, or a successive barrage of overwhelming emotions. Writing helps me stay sane and sometimes give me some insight or some clarity.
Today I feel somewhat like I did after my caesarian operations but more fragile because this is meant in an emotional and mental way. When I gave birth to both my children, I anticipated the pain of after the surgery. It was great but not unmanageable to be honest. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always had a high threshold for physical pain but I found I was able to move despite the pain. It wasn’t easy. For anyone who has had an operation, you will know that movement can be done and is advised to hasten healing but moving is an exercise in slow and hesitant steps and movements. But I was able to move and walk slowly on the 2nd and 3rd days after my operation.
How do I compare this to my emotional and mental state now? Well, I am now able to “move” and “walk” and “function” relatively well despite the pain that still remains. My gift of a Hong Kong trip with my girlfriends really helped. I was so amazed and so grateful for all that they gave me. Imagine, I was able to travel to another country without paying for anything and not in debt. I was truly thankful for that and didn’t seek more than that blessing. But I was blessed further when they even went so far as to buy lots of presents for my kids and additional birthday gifts for me!! They are my kids’ god moms and that was the only reason that they gave that made me feel comfortable in receiving the presents and these made my kids so happy. I was also able to get some space from all the sadness and hurt I was feeling in Manila and I was able to remember happier times and a happier, more confident me, a dozen years ago, my last time in Hong Kong. I resolved when I left to make a bigger and more conscious effort to get better; to recognize the pain and the loss, to acknowledge my failure and my efforts, and then to let go, to heal, and to move on with whatever God has planned for me. I prayed hard then for Him to take away all other avenues when it comes to my relationship with my husband except the one He means for me to be on, that I would listen and obey. In essence, I came back to Manila refreshed and with a better, clearer purpose.
Since then I have been seeing His hand in all things, even the painful ones. I have felt a drawing away from me and I have felt certain doors close. These have been very painful for me. I had to take evenings off from talking to friends to process these moments. I think I will really process these things this way. And I think it has taken me this long to blog about these things because something inside me felt that verbalizing it in any way made it real. I have cried again buckets of tears. But I have been able to get up, dust myself off, gingerly set aside my broken heart, and move forward.
Slowly I have taken to resuming regular activities and starting new ones to make life better. It has been said that happiness is a choice, so I have begun to choose happier things as much as I can. Space that I think is God-given as well, has helped me catch a breath and rebuild some of my lost confidence. I can now see and not just think that things will be ok. Nuggets of this sight but, hey, baby steps are always better than no steps at all.
Fairly recently Manila was inundated with continues rain and wind and this caused major flooding in many parts of the Metro similar to what happened during Ondoy/Ketsana three years ago. Here I was able to see so much of God’s hand and protection. We had just moved into our smaller but 3rd floor apartment 2 months ago. This came after several months of stressful negotiations and blind surging ahead to move out. I was convinced early this year that I should take my kids and my mom to another unit, one that I thought was easier to manage space-wise and financially, and one that would keep us safe from any flooding, even if people were saying there would be no major flooding for at least another 10 years. Well, I didn’t want to test those theories and I just basically wanted to manage my finances and keep my family safe. So we were able to move and to a steal of an apartment, never lived in, 3 bedroom, rent was manageable, landlady so nice, separate gate from other tenants, and on the third floor! So, when the flood came last week (note, much sooner than the 10 years time frame) we were not reached at all. The front of our building had shin length water but we were far from this. Coincidentally, I had just replenished our bottled water (we usually stock 6 gallons of mineral water), I just bought a back-up tank of LPG, and I just did a semi-big grocery a day before the rains got heavy. I say coincidentally because these were all unplanned and off schedule and I recall thinking to myself that I should’ve waited or staggered expenses more to have more cash on hand for a longer time. As a result, we were fully stocked when the entrance to our village was flooded and for the three days we were not able to get out short of taking a boat. To add to this, we did not lose power when our neighbors, and I mean literally houses a in the streets away from us, did! Amazing!! I do not mean in any way to gloat or belittle the suffering of others. Absolutely not. But I was so thankful that all the unplanned and off schedule things that happened over the past 2-3 months placed us in a safe, warm, and stocked position when the crisis happened. I had some loss. My car, which is only 1.5 years old, was flooded half way. But even this loss had saving in it as well. First off, what entered my car was flood water only. To most, they would be gasping and saying “flood water only?!” but to those who lost vehicles during Ondoy/Ketasana, they would know that water is leagues better than liquid mud. And my car had ‘acts of God’ insurance which essentially covers it from natural disasters, like this one. When I spoke to the mechanic, he was confident in saying that the car could be completely repaired. So I am still grateful and still so blessed.
What did all of these events do for me? Well, it showed me God actively helping me through my pain and my heartache and hardship. No, He isn’t doing it while I sit idly by, watching and expecting but not acting. Instead, He helps me, moves me in the direction that is best for me, helps me wade through pain when there is pain, and difficulty when there is difficulty. He is showing me that He truly provides. It is not easy. I am still breakable. In fact, the glimpse of a picture sets me back emotionally so much. But I know I can push through it. And I know that I must keep my eye fixed on Him despite the pain and that He will help me overcome.
Today I still have lots of problems; so many in fact that I don’t know quite how to deal with some of them. I still have nights where I dream of my husband and wake up saddened that it was a mere dream. There are still moments when my heart constricts and my stomach gets tight at the thought that my family is not whole. But I know there are plans for the better that I may not see and reasons for everything. My prayer at night now is one of thanks for all my blessings and my prayer in the morning is one of attention, that I may see and hear and obey.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. II Cor 12:9
5Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding;6in all your ways acknowledge him,
