Day 6

Amazing.  That is all I can say to describe my God.  He never fails to remind me that he is there for me, no matter what. I missed Sunday service and I was really bummed about this.  I take a lot of strength from these days. They are like my weekly water supply.  I do my best to keep the jug full by listening to podcasts on the site and by doing my own reading of the Bible and reflection but I really always find that these Sunday services help fill my soul with strength, clarity, and more faith.  As soon as I was able to listen to the past Sunday service, I did. And I was truly blessed.  Allow me to note some things I picked up and was able to relate to my here and now.

“Bring your problems to the Lord.”

“In the midst of trials, can you depend on the Lord?”

“Do not allow people or circumstances to rob you of your joy.  Joy is not the absence of problems but rather the presence of God.”

These three points I found were so apt. This is what the few friends who know my pain have been telling me. But I have found this idea somewhat separate, difficult to comprehend somehow.  I don’t know why since I pray all the time, in fact, even more now.  I would talk to the Lord and tell Him all about what happened, as if he didn’t know. I would tell him what I thought, how I felt, my dashed hopes and dreams, as if he didn’t know. So technically, I was already bringing my problems to the Lord. But could I depend on him in these times? Did I feel that He was there for me in a way that could help me, really help me?  I listened and thought about the last statement I wrote and wondered if I could make it so. I felt so much pain, hardly any joy. But I also directed this pain to God and asked him to help me.  I was talking to him but I didn’t feel joy.  Was this possible? Was I doing something wrong?

“How you think is important.”

“Behind your actions, behind your choices is your perspective in life.”

“Emptiness and loneliness is experienced as a reminder to go to the lord and remember his love and security.”

I am always told to be aware of my perspective.  Years ago I was described as a “jaded” person; Quite negative actually.  I think this caused a lot of strain on my marriage as well.  I do not remember how it started but I do know that I was angry and sad and negative about everyone and everything for a long time.  I know, realistically, that I did not imagine some of the circumstances that contributed to this but this doesn’t matter. It was only when my dad was dying and when I started to have a real relationship with the Lord that I was able to let go of a lot of my negativity and start to look at things from a more positive point of view.  These days, the old ‘me’ struggles a lot with the ‘me’ today. I have to fight down the self-recrimination.  I sometimes find myself saying “how silly of you to think that it could be different.”  And “what made you believe it could be better?  Why did you open yourself up to this? Weren’t you aware, wasn’t it clear to you that this was setting yourself up for devastation?  Didn’t you work so hard to pull yourself out of the hell-hole you were in when he first threw you away to willingly put yourself at the edge of falling all the way back into that hell-hole again? Why?” To be honest, it is a real struggle. What I do when I get these thoughts, is I shut my eyes and talk to God.  I ask him if I did something wrong, if I over-read what I thought He wanted me to do in the way of the course of my decisions. And I tell myself that He knows what He is doing and that I have to be strong, and patient, and look for the value in it all.  It is also in these moments of struggle that I feel the most alone and the emptiest.  I feel the loss and the pain the most. The last statement about these times being a reminder to go back to Him for security and love is true, and is something I realize again I have been doing, even if this was not my intention.  With this thought, I am comforted.  Yes, I do have a real relationship.  I know this because when I have problems now, when I don’t understand, I ask Him first.

“Even the best spouse, money,  cannot satisfy the vacuum of the soul. So we fill our lives with a lot of junk..sex, pornography.”

“Problems-substitute gods? “

These last two statements really made me think hard.  I would often ask myself why I had these seemingly same problems again and again. What is it that I am not learning that is making Him teach me over and over again?  It was only yesterday that it occurred to me. Maybe the root of my problems now have been those things I have been leaning on completely all these years, those things I have been dependent on, fully expecting to provide me with the joy I have been seeking for so long.  But because they are things, they always fall short.  Money, a husband’s love, these aren’t bad things to want, and I still want them. But I think the Lord is trying to teach me that these are not the source of joy but merely ways to enjoy an already joyful life.  I am getting a clearer picture of this now through something that happened to me this morning. 

My girlfriends have been planning an out of town trip for half a year now.  They made all the arrangements, went out of their way to help me so that I could join even if I was not and am not financially capable of making any kind of trip now.  This date is fast approaching.  Yesterday, upon looking at my finances, I decided that I would back out.  I told myself, Vicki, I know you have been dying to go out of town for a decade (and this is not an exaggeration).  I know you have pined for days every time your husband goes out of town, your heart wishing to be with him.  I know you really want it but it is not the responsible or correct thing to do given the finances. I decided, I will follow and live within my means.  So I discussed this with my best friend late last night and I prepared what I would tell my girlfriends the next day, today.  This morning, I was with my best friend as I usually am on Tuesdays as my car cannot go on the road for the whole day, and I was telling her that I had made my decision. She then tells me that my girlfriends had decided last night to chip in for all my extra expenses so I would not have to pay for anything and that this is not a loan but an early Christmas gift.  So much was the desire to have me around that they went out of their way, again, to make it possible for me. Such blessings, such love, such proof that He knows what He is doing as long as you know the right thing to do and are ready and willing to do the right thing.  Amazing.  I connect this to my life and situation now and I have a clearer idea about where I should go, what I should do, who I should be, and how I should act/react.  I blogged earlier that I need to love myself and teach myself that there is someone who loves me completely, accepts me completely, supports me completely, so I can be strong in the knowledge that I am not alone.  I know I need to work on strengthening my relationship with God and learning to love his gift to me- my life.

Yes, I love my husband.  Yes, there is pain.  Yes, I still wake up and think of him and still feel my stomach-clench.  Yes, I still go to sleep with yearning for him. Yes, I still pray for restoration in spite of it all, even if this causes me more pain because he does not seem to want it too.  Yes, I have moments where I am a pathetic literary character.  Yes, I have moments when I am angry that he cannot be with me, take care of me, love me.  But I talk to God through this all and pray to him to teach me the right way, His way, to trust that He knows what He is doing despite my pain, and to be secure and safe in this acceptance and love.

“To be joyful or not to be joyful is an act of faith.”

Psalm 16:7-11

7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10because you will not abandon me to the grave,^c

nor will you let your Holy One^d see decay.

11You have made^e known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Day 3

It is odd to be living with this feeling now.  I feel schizophrenic, like a true Gemini as some would say.  Sometimes I am ok, I think.  I can laugh at jokes, admire beautiful things, feel tension over other things in my life.  These times I think to myself that I have come a long way from who I was and how I would react to him five or so years ago.  At this time back then I would still be incapacitated. I am glad I am able to function again, faster, better than before.  I think to myself, I can do this.

Last night I went out with my girlfriends.  This doesn't happen often.  They are all married and most have children so it is tough to get everyone out at the same time sans husband and kids.  But we all agreed to get together over dinner and a movie just to hang out and act like girlfriends.  We watched 'Magic Mike', a fun stripper movie and it felt good to laugh out loud with abandon again.  I really thought I would not be able to do this for a while.  It was a good night.

I woke up this morning though and I felt heavy again.  I felt that growing familiar feeling of loss.  That feeling of being lost and that something is lost.  I squeeze my eyes shut and struggle to get the good feeling from the night before back.  I am able to find some balance and this helps me get up and start my day. And it is to be a busy day. Both my brothers and my sister in law have birthdays within a day or two of each other so this is always a period of stress. There is that familiar tug of wanting but being unable to be at more than one place at a time. Getting everyone where they needed to be was a good distraction to emotions and feelings.  I am finding that all these banal activities are helpful in moments of drowning; like buoys in water telling you where you are in a body of water, being something to lean on.  But after this I am left again with dealing, and like I said, I don't deal very well.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister in law the other day. It was about personalities and relationships and trials, being broken, being re-molded, and knowing God better. It gave me insight into how I can deal better. It was actually quite informative for me.  There was more than one eureka moment for me during that talk.  I realized that I need to feel secure and accepted in a relationship before I can let go of inhibitions and be myself.  I do not think I am too uptight to be a good friend. I am certain my close, good friends will tell you that I am a fun one to be around. But there is a reason I have a few close friends as opposed to a whole posse and that is that it takes a lot of security and acceptance given for me to trust that I can let go.  So to be able to do this, I need to feel secure and accepted. No matter what. That I can be silly, I can be x-rated, I can be "baduy" and "bakya", not know things, make mistakes and that I won't be liked or loved any less.  Being humiliated in any way goes against that acceptance and security and makes it so much harder for me to deal with situations and relax. Rejection kills my spirit.  Loss of love is like cancer to me. And I realized that I need to work on accepting and being secure in myself, with myself, so that I don't die a small death with every rejection, loss, or humiliation that comes my way.  And in those times of insecurity I need to remember that He loves me, flaws and all.

Earlier today I sat and thought about what went down during the talk.  I forced myself to relive what he told me. I forced myself to tell myself that he doesn't love me anymore, that he doesn't want to be with me, and by golly it hurt.  The feelings of rejection, loss, of the person I love not loving me flaws and all was almost too much to bear.  In fact, I had to lie down and close my eyes to regulate my breathing. I do this every now and then, remind myself of the reality even if it clenches my stomach and activated my tear ducts. Then I follow it up with a prayer and a plea to Him to help me accept, to help me see clearly still, to help me see the value in the pain, to help me keep from shattering further.  And this helps.  I've been doing this a lot too, every moment of stabbing, stomach-clenching pain that I feel. I pray, hard.

Day 2

I am a lover of stories. Maybe this is why I studied history and literature and sociology so feverishly in my university days.  I just could not get enough of the characters. I could almost feel what they were feeling, see what they saw. Sometimes, and this still happens today, I imagine that I am in those worlds and it is spectacular.  There are some characters in books I’ve read lately though that I do not admire at all.  These are Isabella Swan and Anastasia Steele from the Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey books.  Why don’t I like them? Well, I have always said that they seemed mindless to me. Their only reason for existence was the men they loved. The moment they saw and fell they were forever lost to reason.  How simpering is that?  How weak, how dependent. I would have very choice things to say about these two women to anyone who would ask me. How ironic life is.

I got up this morning, as I do every weekday morning, to bring my son to school.  I chatted with him about his lessons and classes. The drive was good, no traffic to speak off as it was slightly earlier than normal. And because it was 4 hours before the start of my work day, I went home. But I’ve been going home every day this week, after dropping my son off, instead of going straight to the office.  I notice this as I pull up and park in front of my apartment building.  Why, I think to myself, when I had such logical and practical reasons for going to work straight from dropping my son off.

I go up to my unit, greet my daughter who was up eating breakfast, tickle her and smother her with hugs and kisses, sit with her a bit, then retire to my room. And I lie down, and I close my eyes, and I feel a moment where there is no nothingness.  So I nap.  My mom enters my unit, I can hear her from my room, so I decide to join her.  I don’t really want to eat anything so I sip on my coffee and eat the tiny sausages my maid prepares for us both.  Then when we finish breakfast, I play with my daughter, read her a short story, and when she goes to her room to play, I lie down. Again.  I do this for 1.5 hours, flitting in and out of sleep.  Then I force myself to get up because I really don’t want to. I want to stay curled up like that. I want to disappear.  I tell myself, get up, get dressed, go to work, do something, move. Don’t be like those simpering women who cannot eat or sleep or live.  So I do. I get up, get dressed, give instructions for the rest of the meals for the day, go through the motions, kiss and hug my daughter and tell her I will see her later. I drive to work and sit down. I tell myself I will not be pathetic.  So I fix myself, put lip gloss, make sure I look presentable. Then, I try to start working.

Then he texts and asks me to call. We talk about the kids and some arrangements for tomorrow, their weekly visit.  And then at the end of the call I am back to square one. I am fighting back the tears. I have lost the process flow I was working on. My hands are cold and my stomach empty.  I am Isabella and Anastasia and pathetic Vicki all in one.  I know it in my mind but I cannot seem to fight it.  The same moment I get that thought, that I am pathetic, that he was fine on the phone, that he didn’t want me, all I want to do is curl up into a ball again and disappear.  So I write instead to try to fight off the urge to flee, to go home.

Lord, when will this end?  How will it end?  How do I make the pathetic-ness stop?  How do I deal with being set aside?  How do I deal with these feelings? What should I do?  I can’t think well, I can’t think straight. Please help me.

Day 1 Part 2

What would I tell him if I felt he wanted to hear truths from me? What haven't I told him. Ok, here goes:

I would tell him that I love him so much. That he haunts my days and nights.  I would tell him that he is like the shadows, always there, something I cannot separate.  I would tell him that I miss him, that I still reach out for him at night. I would tell him that the only moments of peace I had when my dad died where when I was with him. I would tell him that I understand his fear, that I share that, but that I want to try in spite of this. I would tell him I'm sorry for my part in the hurt. I would tell him I pray for my husband, lover, and friend back, the father of my children.

So much...

Day 1

When I was younger, I used to faithfully keep a diary.  I thought it was a bid to be like all these characters I read about in the Sweet Valley books and a way to keep creative juices flowing since I really loved to write stories.  But now, in retrospect, I think it was a way for me to process things that were happening to me; even the smallest things. I recently found out in one of the office activities that my personality is more organized, logical, process oriented, not very emotional, etc. and so big bursts of emotions or scenarios where there is no control really throw me off tangent.  How true.

Lately, I’ve been going through one upheaval after the other.  I get separated, my dad gets sick, my dad dies, annulment case, name a lot of the life-changing moments and I can say that I will have probably experienced it or am still experiencing it today, and this over the past three years only. Today I feel tired and bereft of any ability to make sense of anything.  The only thoughts that seem to run through my mind is that it should be ok, I should be ok, it will be ok. How and when this will happen I do not know.  Every other pore of me screams chaos and pain and hurt and loss.  I don’t know what to do with it all so I decided to write again.  And I guess I will keep writing until I get sense and life back.

I recently discovered God and by that I mean that I know for sure He is around and that he is in control.  There is no way to explain some things that have happened to me and beyond that, there is just this feeling of something bigger than myself that I have now and that fuels my faith and beliefs.  This all started when my dad died and I felt lost and without sense of anything stable.  Even if my dad had ceased to be the one taking care of me, I still had him around as a wall to lean on in case anything went wrong. When he died, this wall disappeared. And then I found God and I felt strong enough to stand again.  So I’ve been on this road of re-examining my life and my decisions and I’ve been committed to making right the wrongs I can correct.  I pray and I ask for help in understanding what I need to do and how I need to do this. Now for a person who is controlled and quite logical, this is a most illogical way to go about this and this is why I am also often thrown into confusion.

One thing that has plagued me for three years is my separation.  For the longest time I was furious at my husband, hurt and angry that he threw me away.  That he could not, did not want to stay with me through my bad times, through my flaws.  That all our history and effort and love meant so little, was so inconsequential to him. And this anger and hurt fueled so many actions. When my dad got sick I would watch him and my mom and I’d marvel at the strength of love it took to smile and care and hold on to the literal dying breath. And I wondered if I could love anyone that much. I was almost at the point where I was convinced that I would be better off not loving anyone that much as the ties my husband cut were just so painful.   I prayed and prayed for clarity, for the strength to admit things to myself, and to see what really was and in this I realized that I loved my own husband that way; I still loved him. Despite everything he did to me, some because of my actions, and some purely his own, I realized that I still love him. Wow, what an eye-opener.  To me there was no ‘I love you because…’.  To me there was ‘I love you. Period.  Flaws and all.’ And that is when I realized that I can love unconditionally and that I do. This didn’t happen overnight.  This took tragedy after tragedy; Years and then intense months of soul searching. And when I finally accepted it, I was filled with dread; Because I was separated.  And so I went on this search again for how to deal with this realization and let go of it somewhat because I knew that no matter how I tried to fix and control this, it would be futile because as I realized how much I still loved my husband I also knew that it was beyond my control and that He was steering the ship.  Gosh, the control freak in me had such a hard time accepting this and letting go.  Through this soul searching I realized that it was wrong of me to file for the annulment and that I should have had more faith in Him and in his power to restore.  I leaned on my own understanding and reasoning about things and based my decisions on what I viewed were the logical ways to answer what the situation was asking of me. Never then did it occur to me to turn to faith. But now that I had realized this I didn’t know how to approach it.  Because my heart wanted so badly to fix things, to make things work, to do something to get the marriage back on track because I love my husband and because I believe that this is what the Lord wanted.  I struggled to think of ways to explain and elucidate to make it clear. This was emotionally and physically exhausting.  Not only was my heart and mind tired, my body was also screaming in complaint.  I had sleepless nights, restless sleep, low blood pressure, migraines, and bouts of depression. I even avoided perfectly good opportunities to talk because I wasn’t ready with how I wanted to tell my part.  My friends who knew would advise me to stop trying to manipulate things and to just follow what I thought was the right thing to do and trust that the lord knew what to do after.  This was so hard because I really wanted a certain outcome. Finally, I decided to set that desire aside and to just focus on doing the right thing in having that talk and in explaining why I wasn’t going through with the annulment anymore. I just gave it up to Him and said, Lord, help me with this. Help me speak honestly and clearly. Help me be accepting and forgiving and understanding, and I promise to talk about it the next time it comes up.

A couple of nights ago, it finally happened.  The talk. So I talked. I explained. I tried to make my message as clear as I could.  The annulment was wrong. I didn’t want to do it anymore because primarily of that. But also I hoped for restoration.  If I write the whole conversation here I am afraid I will collapse so I will first leave it with he said to go through with it instead.  The talk, which lasted almost a whole day although was chopped into night and morning, plus 2 bottles of wine in total, made me feel again disposable, silly for hoping, devastated and shattered that this man whom I had loved, still love, and have kids with, didn’t feel the same. I took it harder than I anticipated. I felt like someone stole the light and all I could see was grey shades of pain and loss.  Since then I’ve been trying to create ways to function and to see past the blinding pain. It isn’t only emotional pain, but also physical.  Surprisingly, my body was reacting to all the stresses in a strong way. 

My sister in law told me her reaction to her painful past breakup. She said, ‘I didn’t die, so why should I act dead.’  I agree.  Gosh, my mind and intellect wholeheartedly agree. But my heart and my body feels like something in me died. And I just don’t know how to process that.  In my waking moments my head is full of stray thoughts.  This passage has been the longest running thought and I think it is because it is like a conversation.  My chest and head hurt. My body is tired.  So I sleep but then I wake up tired and the more I sleep the more tired I feel after.  But it is also the only time where I don’t think. 

Today I took out my Bible and I prayed.  I read Philippians 4:3-9 and I prayed with all my heart. I don’t know what effect it is having but I am doing it because I feel now that this is my only lifeline.  This is keeping me from drowning and I can’t drown because I have children I love and who need me, a mother who lives with me, a life I still have to live. I will write as often as I need to even if it is just to have a complete thought in the day. I will do my best and I pray that He takes this pain away.