Day 1

When I was younger, I used to faithfully keep a diary.  I thought it was a bid to be like all these characters I read about in the Sweet Valley books and a way to keep creative juices flowing since I really loved to write stories.  But now, in retrospect, I think it was a way for me to process things that were happening to me; even the smallest things. I recently found out in one of the office activities that my personality is more organized, logical, process oriented, not very emotional, etc. and so big bursts of emotions or scenarios where there is no control really throw me off tangent.  How true.

Lately, I’ve been going through one upheaval after the other.  I get separated, my dad gets sick, my dad dies, annulment case, name a lot of the life-changing moments and I can say that I will have probably experienced it or am still experiencing it today, and this over the past three years only. Today I feel tired and bereft of any ability to make sense of anything.  The only thoughts that seem to run through my mind is that it should be ok, I should be ok, it will be ok. How and when this will happen I do not know.  Every other pore of me screams chaos and pain and hurt and loss.  I don’t know what to do with it all so I decided to write again.  And I guess I will keep writing until I get sense and life back.

I recently discovered God and by that I mean that I know for sure He is around and that he is in control.  There is no way to explain some things that have happened to me and beyond that, there is just this feeling of something bigger than myself that I have now and that fuels my faith and beliefs.  This all started when my dad died and I felt lost and without sense of anything stable.  Even if my dad had ceased to be the one taking care of me, I still had him around as a wall to lean on in case anything went wrong. When he died, this wall disappeared. And then I found God and I felt strong enough to stand again.  So I’ve been on this road of re-examining my life and my decisions and I’ve been committed to making right the wrongs I can correct.  I pray and I ask for help in understanding what I need to do and how I need to do this. Now for a person who is controlled and quite logical, this is a most illogical way to go about this and this is why I am also often thrown into confusion.

One thing that has plagued me for three years is my separation.  For the longest time I was furious at my husband, hurt and angry that he threw me away.  That he could not, did not want to stay with me through my bad times, through my flaws.  That all our history and effort and love meant so little, was so inconsequential to him. And this anger and hurt fueled so many actions. When my dad got sick I would watch him and my mom and I’d marvel at the strength of love it took to smile and care and hold on to the literal dying breath. And I wondered if I could love anyone that much. I was almost at the point where I was convinced that I would be better off not loving anyone that much as the ties my husband cut were just so painful.   I prayed and prayed for clarity, for the strength to admit things to myself, and to see what really was and in this I realized that I loved my own husband that way; I still loved him. Despite everything he did to me, some because of my actions, and some purely his own, I realized that I still love him. Wow, what an eye-opener.  To me there was no ‘I love you because…’.  To me there was ‘I love you. Period.  Flaws and all.’ And that is when I realized that I can love unconditionally and that I do. This didn’t happen overnight.  This took tragedy after tragedy; Years and then intense months of soul searching. And when I finally accepted it, I was filled with dread; Because I was separated.  And so I went on this search again for how to deal with this realization and let go of it somewhat because I knew that no matter how I tried to fix and control this, it would be futile because as I realized how much I still loved my husband I also knew that it was beyond my control and that He was steering the ship.  Gosh, the control freak in me had such a hard time accepting this and letting go.  Through this soul searching I realized that it was wrong of me to file for the annulment and that I should have had more faith in Him and in his power to restore.  I leaned on my own understanding and reasoning about things and based my decisions on what I viewed were the logical ways to answer what the situation was asking of me. Never then did it occur to me to turn to faith. But now that I had realized this I didn’t know how to approach it.  Because my heart wanted so badly to fix things, to make things work, to do something to get the marriage back on track because I love my husband and because I believe that this is what the Lord wanted.  I struggled to think of ways to explain and elucidate to make it clear. This was emotionally and physically exhausting.  Not only was my heart and mind tired, my body was also screaming in complaint.  I had sleepless nights, restless sleep, low blood pressure, migraines, and bouts of depression. I even avoided perfectly good opportunities to talk because I wasn’t ready with how I wanted to tell my part.  My friends who knew would advise me to stop trying to manipulate things and to just follow what I thought was the right thing to do and trust that the lord knew what to do after.  This was so hard because I really wanted a certain outcome. Finally, I decided to set that desire aside and to just focus on doing the right thing in having that talk and in explaining why I wasn’t going through with the annulment anymore. I just gave it up to Him and said, Lord, help me with this. Help me speak honestly and clearly. Help me be accepting and forgiving and understanding, and I promise to talk about it the next time it comes up.

A couple of nights ago, it finally happened.  The talk. So I talked. I explained. I tried to make my message as clear as I could.  The annulment was wrong. I didn’t want to do it anymore because primarily of that. But also I hoped for restoration.  If I write the whole conversation here I am afraid I will collapse so I will first leave it with he said to go through with it instead.  The talk, which lasted almost a whole day although was chopped into night and morning, plus 2 bottles of wine in total, made me feel again disposable, silly for hoping, devastated and shattered that this man whom I had loved, still love, and have kids with, didn’t feel the same. I took it harder than I anticipated. I felt like someone stole the light and all I could see was grey shades of pain and loss.  Since then I’ve been trying to create ways to function and to see past the blinding pain. It isn’t only emotional pain, but also physical.  Surprisingly, my body was reacting to all the stresses in a strong way. 

My sister in law told me her reaction to her painful past breakup. She said, ‘I didn’t die, so why should I act dead.’  I agree.  Gosh, my mind and intellect wholeheartedly agree. But my heart and my body feels like something in me died. And I just don’t know how to process that.  In my waking moments my head is full of stray thoughts.  This passage has been the longest running thought and I think it is because it is like a conversation.  My chest and head hurt. My body is tired.  So I sleep but then I wake up tired and the more I sleep the more tired I feel after.  But it is also the only time where I don’t think. 

Today I took out my Bible and I prayed.  I read Philippians 4:3-9 and I prayed with all my heart. I don’t know what effect it is having but I am doing it because I feel now that this is my only lifeline.  This is keeping me from drowning and I can’t drown because I have children I love and who need me, a mother who lives with me, a life I still have to live. I will write as often as I need to even if it is just to have a complete thought in the day. I will do my best and I pray that He takes this pain away.