Amazing. That is all I can say to describe my God. He never fails to remind me that he is there for me, no matter what. I missed Sunday service and I was really bummed about this. I take a lot of strength from these days. They are like my weekly water supply. I do my best to keep the jug full by listening to podcasts on the site and by doing my own reading of the Bible and reflection but I really always find that these Sunday services help fill my soul with strength, clarity, and more faith. As soon as I was able to listen to the past Sunday service, I did. And I was truly blessed. Allow me to note some things I picked up and was able to relate to my here and now.
“Bring your problems to the Lord.”
“In the midst of trials, can you depend on the Lord?”
“Do not allow people or circumstances to rob you of your joy. Joy is not the absence of problems but rather the presence of God.”
These three points I found were so apt. This is what the few friends who know my pain have been telling me. But I have found this idea somewhat separate, difficult to comprehend somehow. I don’t know why since I pray all the time, in fact, even more now. I would talk to the Lord and tell Him all about what happened, as if he didn’t know. I would tell him what I thought, how I felt, my dashed hopes and dreams, as if he didn’t know. So technically, I was already bringing my problems to the Lord. But could I depend on him in these times? Did I feel that He was there for me in a way that could help me, really help me? I listened and thought about the last statement I wrote and wondered if I could make it so. I felt so much pain, hardly any joy. But I also directed this pain to God and asked him to help me. I was talking to him but I didn’t feel joy. Was this possible? Was I doing something wrong?
“How you think is important.”
“Behind your actions, behind your choices is your perspective in life.”
“Emptiness and loneliness is experienced as a reminder to go to the lord and remember his love and security.”
I am always told to be aware of my perspective. Years ago I was described as a “jaded” person; Quite negative actually. I think this caused a lot of strain on my marriage as well. I do not remember how it started but I do know that I was angry and sad and negative about everyone and everything for a long time. I know, realistically, that I did not imagine some of the circumstances that contributed to this but this doesn’t matter. It was only when my dad was dying and when I started to have a real relationship with the Lord that I was able to let go of a lot of my negativity and start to look at things from a more positive point of view. These days, the old ‘me’ struggles a lot with the ‘me’ today. I have to fight down the self-recrimination. I sometimes find myself saying “how silly of you to think that it could be different.” And “what made you believe it could be better? Why did you open yourself up to this? Weren’t you aware, wasn’t it clear to you that this was setting yourself up for devastation? Didn’t you work so hard to pull yourself out of the hell-hole you were in when he first threw you away to willingly put yourself at the edge of falling all the way back into that hell-hole again? Why?” To be honest, it is a real struggle. What I do when I get these thoughts, is I shut my eyes and talk to God. I ask him if I did something wrong, if I over-read what I thought He wanted me to do in the way of the course of my decisions. And I tell myself that He knows what He is doing and that I have to be strong, and patient, and look for the value in it all. It is also in these moments of struggle that I feel the most alone and the emptiest. I feel the loss and the pain the most. The last statement about these times being a reminder to go back to Him for security and love is true, and is something I realize again I have been doing, even if this was not my intention. With this thought, I am comforted. Yes, I do have a real relationship. I know this because when I have problems now, when I don’t understand, I ask Him first.
“Even the best spouse, money, cannot satisfy the vacuum of the soul. So we fill our lives with a lot of junk..sex, pornography.”
“Problems-substitute gods? “
These last two statements really made me think hard. I would often ask myself why I had these seemingly same problems again and again. What is it that I am not learning that is making Him teach me over and over again? It was only yesterday that it occurred to me. Maybe the root of my problems now have been those things I have been leaning on completely all these years, those things I have been dependent on, fully expecting to provide me with the joy I have been seeking for so long. But because they are things, they always fall short. Money, a husband’s love, these aren’t bad things to want, and I still want them. But I think the Lord is trying to teach me that these are not the source of joy but merely ways to enjoy an already joyful life. I am getting a clearer picture of this now through something that happened to me this morning.
My girlfriends have been planning an out of town trip for half a year now. They made all the arrangements, went out of their way to help me so that I could join even if I was not and am not financially capable of making any kind of trip now. This date is fast approaching. Yesterday, upon looking at my finances, I decided that I would back out. I told myself, Vicki, I know you have been dying to go out of town for a decade (and this is not an exaggeration). I know you have pined for days every time your husband goes out of town, your heart wishing to be with him. I know you really want it but it is not the responsible or correct thing to do given the finances. I decided, I will follow and live within my means. So I discussed this with my best friend late last night and I prepared what I would tell my girlfriends the next day, today. This morning, I was with my best friend as I usually am on Tuesdays as my car cannot go on the road for the whole day, and I was telling her that I had made my decision. She then tells me that my girlfriends had decided last night to chip in for all my extra expenses so I would not have to pay for anything and that this is not a loan but an early Christmas gift. So much was the desire to have me around that they went out of their way, again, to make it possible for me. Such blessings, such love, such proof that He knows what He is doing as long as you know the right thing to do and are ready and willing to do the right thing. Amazing. I connect this to my life and situation now and I have a clearer idea about where I should go, what I should do, who I should be, and how I should act/react. I blogged earlier that I need to love myself and teach myself that there is someone who loves me completely, accepts me completely, supports me completely, so I can be strong in the knowledge that I am not alone. I know I need to work on strengthening my relationship with God and learning to love his gift to me- my life.
Yes, I love my husband. Yes, there is pain. Yes, I still wake up and think of him and still feel my stomach-clench. Yes, I still go to sleep with yearning for him. Yes, I still pray for restoration in spite of it all, even if this causes me more pain because he does not seem to want it too. Yes, I have moments where I am a pathetic literary character. Yes, I have moments when I am angry that he cannot be with me, take care of me, love me. But I talk to God through this all and pray to him to teach me the right way, His way, to trust that He knows what He is doing despite my pain, and to be secure and safe in this acceptance and love.
“To be joyful or not to be joyful is an act of faith.”
Psalm 16:7-11
7I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
No comments:
Post a Comment