Day 3

It is odd to be living with this feeling now.  I feel schizophrenic, like a true Gemini as some would say.  Sometimes I am ok, I think.  I can laugh at jokes, admire beautiful things, feel tension over other things in my life.  These times I think to myself that I have come a long way from who I was and how I would react to him five or so years ago.  At this time back then I would still be incapacitated. I am glad I am able to function again, faster, better than before.  I think to myself, I can do this.

Last night I went out with my girlfriends.  This doesn't happen often.  They are all married and most have children so it is tough to get everyone out at the same time sans husband and kids.  But we all agreed to get together over dinner and a movie just to hang out and act like girlfriends.  We watched 'Magic Mike', a fun stripper movie and it felt good to laugh out loud with abandon again.  I really thought I would not be able to do this for a while.  It was a good night.

I woke up this morning though and I felt heavy again.  I felt that growing familiar feeling of loss.  That feeling of being lost and that something is lost.  I squeeze my eyes shut and struggle to get the good feeling from the night before back.  I am able to find some balance and this helps me get up and start my day. And it is to be a busy day. Both my brothers and my sister in law have birthdays within a day or two of each other so this is always a period of stress. There is that familiar tug of wanting but being unable to be at more than one place at a time. Getting everyone where they needed to be was a good distraction to emotions and feelings.  I am finding that all these banal activities are helpful in moments of drowning; like buoys in water telling you where you are in a body of water, being something to lean on.  But after this I am left again with dealing, and like I said, I don't deal very well.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister in law the other day. It was about personalities and relationships and trials, being broken, being re-molded, and knowing God better. It gave me insight into how I can deal better. It was actually quite informative for me.  There was more than one eureka moment for me during that talk.  I realized that I need to feel secure and accepted in a relationship before I can let go of inhibitions and be myself.  I do not think I am too uptight to be a good friend. I am certain my close, good friends will tell you that I am a fun one to be around. But there is a reason I have a few close friends as opposed to a whole posse and that is that it takes a lot of security and acceptance given for me to trust that I can let go.  So to be able to do this, I need to feel secure and accepted. No matter what. That I can be silly, I can be x-rated, I can be "baduy" and "bakya", not know things, make mistakes and that I won't be liked or loved any less.  Being humiliated in any way goes against that acceptance and security and makes it so much harder for me to deal with situations and relax. Rejection kills my spirit.  Loss of love is like cancer to me. And I realized that I need to work on accepting and being secure in myself, with myself, so that I don't die a small death with every rejection, loss, or humiliation that comes my way.  And in those times of insecurity I need to remember that He loves me, flaws and all.

Earlier today I sat and thought about what went down during the talk.  I forced myself to relive what he told me. I forced myself to tell myself that he doesn't love me anymore, that he doesn't want to be with me, and by golly it hurt.  The feelings of rejection, loss, of the person I love not loving me flaws and all was almost too much to bear.  In fact, I had to lie down and close my eyes to regulate my breathing. I do this every now and then, remind myself of the reality even if it clenches my stomach and activated my tear ducts. Then I follow it up with a prayer and a plea to Him to help me accept, to help me see clearly still, to help me see the value in the pain, to help me keep from shattering further.  And this helps.  I've been doing this a lot too, every moment of stabbing, stomach-clenching pain that I feel. I pray, hard.