I Am Baffled.

Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I don’t know when this started but it’s always been the case.  The past three Christmases though have been tough.  I’ve noticed that in some way there have been tears and this makes me sad.

This year I feel the “jot of the season” a lot less than ever and it is not because of anything specific.  I mean, things are pretty much the same in my life. Still have some problems that need to be resolved but I also have a lot to be grateful for.  I love my kids, they are healthy and happy.  I love where we live now. Although it is not as posh as my goal place to live is, it is the one floor apartment unit I had been hoping to find and be able to afford.  My kids each have their own room and this is great for their development and sense of independence.  My place is private, quiet, and elevated which is great for flood avoidance.

But I’ve been waking up for the past couple of weeks this heavy feeling of sadness I cannot explain.  I can’t explain it because there is no direct reason, nothing new or outstanding, to create a new feeling of depression.  But it is there.  I’ve tried to ignore it but I’ve found this is not the best course of action.  Then I’ve tried to rationalize it but I end up with lots of “I don’t know’s” which isn’t helpful either.  Then I’ve tried to cry it out but I wake up feeling the same and realizing one thing and that is that contrary to a lot of other things, tears seem to never run out.  Talking about it helps. As I’ve said many times before, I don’t process big emotions very well so talking helps me break it up into bits and pieces.  But I don’t want to burden my friends with all of what I am feeling now.

It has been said that vibes are infectious.  If you are a happy and positive person, people pick up on that. Similarly, if you are negative you tend to drag people down with you or Zap their energy; which is why no one wants to hang around a negative person, coz this person can be a real wet blanket.  It is that reason I now refrain from sharing what I am feeling with my friends.  I don’t want anyone to be dragged down, and also I don’t want people to think upon seeing me “oh no, there’s our friend who is always sad. What  a drag.”  So I’ve decided to write it down in the hope that it will help.

And now that I am writing, I cant seem to come up with too many words.  I know I am sad.  I don’t know why.  I feel the urge to cry over everything. I mean, everything.  I am not in any mood to eat.  I don’t really want to do much of everything.  It is sheer necessity that forces me out of bed everyday to go to work.  If I could stay home and lie down, I would but I don’t want to do that either coz it isn’t good for my kids.  I recall feeling like this when the relizaton that my marriage was really over finally hit, but nothing like that has happened to me lately.  I am truly at a loss. And I don’t know how to deal with it.  Music has always soothed me somehow but the songs I can identify with now are all about heartbreak and heartache and, while I acknowledge that my heart isn’t whole yet, it isn’t freshly broken.  So I don’t get it. 

Here are two songs that send me to fits of crying lately.  They are quite positive so I don’t get why they make me cry so much.

“Kiss Me”  by Ed Sheeran

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me
Hold me in your arms

Your heart's against my chest
Lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet

And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady

I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as, the wind blows
So hold me in your arms [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/ed+sheeran/kiss+me_20983414.html ]
My heart's against your chest
Your lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet

And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

Yeah I've been feeling everything
From hate to love
From love to lust
From lust to truth
I guess that's how I know you

So hold you close
To help you give it up

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved

This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love

"Begin Again" by Taylor Swift

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turned the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

He said he never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I won't talk about that
And for the first time, what's past is past

Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again

But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again